I honestly have no idea what I'm gonna write about today. There are so many thoughts in my head. So many thoughts that it gets to a point where I can't find the best way to organize them. So let's just go with this kind of blog, okay? The spontaneous kind where I just type and type until I get tired or sleepy.
First up, the blog schedule. I probably shouldn't have posted about that. I couldn't keep the Friday sched anyways. Writing on Fridays and Saturdays would've been nice since those are my days off from work. But it seems that Sunday (while listening to classical music) is the best time for me to write even if I'm tired from work. That's when all my thoughts spontaneously pour out. Basta. Let's just put it this way, whenever I feel like writing, I'll write. Maybe more than once a week. But right now, I'll do my best to be consistent with once a week.
Consistency has never been my best trait, mind you. Most of the time I'm late for work. Most of the time I feel down. There are even times when I just wanna give up and shut down. I don't feel like facing my day. Whenever I feel like I have so much energy, positivity or happiness, I always fear that a great cloud of sadness and negativity will come right after. And usually that's true.
I should probably get myself checked out by a shrink or something but I do know this. I wanna fight it. I'm always fighting it and it keeps coming back. Even without a shrink, I'm actually very blessed to have so many people around who understand me and love me. I do know that but most of the time I fail to be grateful. There's so much stimuli that could set my antics off at any given time. It's one thing to be strong because of the people who support you and love you. It's quite another story when you have to be strong on your own. That's when the struggle begins; when I'm left alone with my own thoughts.
So how do I deal with it? Well, I found a few things that keep my anxiety at bay:
>> praying
>> writing
>> reading
>> arts
>> photography
but very recently I found that riding a motorcycle outweighs the other four (praying is an exception, of course. That's a fundamental part of my being). Why??
You see guys, I'm such a loner most of the time to the point where I feel like I have my own little world inside my head. And to say that it's not good at all is an understatement. My best friend and I talked about me putting more time and effort to "get out there" and make more friends, socialize and possibly get a boyfriend or something, but the truth is, there are just times when interacting with people tires me a lot. I don't know why my brain and my heart is wired in such a manner. God must have a reason for this. I just don't know. And there is a danger to this. The danger of amplifying my anxiety, depression and overthinking.
Writing, Reading, Arts, and Photography all take my mind off the challenges and sometimes monotony of daily life. But my goodness, let me tell you this, riding a motorcycle outweighs them all.
1.) Riding keeps me focused. I like how riding forces me to be consistent with all that I do. It's like a mini-training or a mini-exercise for my mental strength. Moving forward, I'll be riding out in public roads, most of the time. For sure, I'll soon be interacting with other riders, cars, pedestrians and crazy-ass roads. For sure there will be A LOT of stimuli that could set me off. But despite these things, I have to remain focused. Otherwise, I'll crash. I don't want that to happen.
2.) Riding is a bit counter-intuitive. I've had so many fails when I first learned how to ride. From the video, "Twist of the Wrist" by Keith Code, he describes what we call Survival Reactions or SRs. They're the most natural things a person would do if one panics while riding a motorcycle. They're "natural reactions" that are supposedly there to help me "survive" but, in truth, they can get me killed on a motorcycle. My mind has to remain sharp and alert if an emergency happens. In other words, I have to "counter" these SRs in case I experience an emergency.
Let me give an example for this one:
As defined in this blog (link), "a whiskey throttle is what happens when a rider loses control, panics and loses even more control resulting in sometimes serious injury but at best hilarious moments." By God, it is not hilarious at all. It was fucking scary when I first experienced that. Not to mention I had a death grip on my front brake. So what's the best thing to do, then? Let go of the throttle, my brother told me. Or if I REALLY panic, hit the emergency off switch. Now isn't that counter-intuitive... What I naturally did was to hold on to the handle bars but that would've gotten me hurt if the situation had escalated even more. Kind of like fighting my nature, right? Anxiety, depression, overthinking... My mind has to stay sharp all the time.
3.) Riding is a real-world activity with real-world consequences. Unlike my other hobbies, I feel like I'm interacting with the real-world when I'm out riding. My arms felt like spaghetti after that whiskey throttle experience. I shook so badly but my brother and my guy-friend were so understanding that they didn't let me ride any further that day.
Another day, I was so tired that I fell from my cousin's bike and landed on my left side even before I had the chance to actually ride the bike. I had so much confidence in my skills but apparently, it wasn't enough yet. He ended up riding with me, coaching me throughout the session.
On another day, cyclists scolded me to keep to the side while I was practicing since they needed to practice, as well. And what did I do? Did I stop riding? Did I hold on to my usually-sensitive, thin-skinned self and let those experiences/comments get to me? No. I picked myself up, did what I had to do to become a better rider.
Oh and another one of the real-world perks? I got to make new friends and I nourished my relationship with the old ones. All of them were so supportive while I was still learning how to ride. They're more like brothers and sisters to me now. That actually feels good. Again, it gets tiring for me at some point because I'm so much of a loner. But then, a day with friends is so much better.
4.) Riding is pure bliss. I don't think I can accurately describe in words how blissful it is to ride. I'm not even gonna talk about riding out in the country where the scenery is really pretty. That's just one of the perks of being able to ride out on your own. You can go to very picturesque places. But riding in itself is blissful. For starters, you'll feel very proud of yourself for being able to ride safely out in the streets, for being skillful enough to ride on two wheels, for putting science into action, for being more aware of your life's value, for being mentally strong despite the dangers, challenges and harsh comments from people. Pure bliss and serenity, let me tell you that.
As with my introduction up there, I don't know how to end this, too. But if there's one thing I'd like you to take away from this blog is that riding a motorcycle is possibly the best therapy out there. Go get your license, gear and motorcycle now.
Another day, I was so tired that I fell from my cousin's bike and landed on my left side even before I had the chance to actually ride the bike. I had so much confidence in my skills but apparently, it wasn't enough yet. He ended up riding with me, coaching me throughout the session.
On another day, cyclists scolded me to keep to the side while I was practicing since they needed to practice, as well. And what did I do? Did I stop riding? Did I hold on to my usually-sensitive, thin-skinned self and let those experiences/comments get to me? No. I picked myself up, did what I had to do to become a better rider.
Oh and another one of the real-world perks? I got to make new friends and I nourished my relationship with the old ones. All of them were so supportive while I was still learning how to ride. They're more like brothers and sisters to me now. That actually feels good. Again, it gets tiring for me at some point because I'm so much of a loner. But then, a day with friends is so much better.
4.) Riding is pure bliss. I don't think I can accurately describe in words how blissful it is to ride. I'm not even gonna talk about riding out in the country where the scenery is really pretty. That's just one of the perks of being able to ride out on your own. You can go to very picturesque places. But riding in itself is blissful. For starters, you'll feel very proud of yourself for being able to ride safely out in the streets, for being skillful enough to ride on two wheels, for putting science into action, for being more aware of your life's value, for being mentally strong despite the dangers, challenges and harsh comments from people. Pure bliss and serenity, let me tell you that.
As with my introduction up there, I don't know how to end this, too. But if there's one thing I'd like you to take away from this blog is that riding a motorcycle is possibly the best therapy out there. Go get your license, gear and motorcycle now.
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